Tips to change a bad parenting style as a parent


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For the most part, tolerant parents focus on allowing their children to do what they want. However, the setting of limits and expectations is neglected. Although these parents are loving, this approach to parenting can result in adults who will have trouble adjusting to the real world. If you’re also a more tolerant and permissive parent, here are some helpful tips on how to start a more balanced parenting style.

As parents, it’s tempting for children to think positively of you. It feels good to make them happy. But while happy experiences are more likely to put a temporary smile on your child’s face, boundaries, expectations, and consequences also help children grow into adults who can navigate the world well.

In fact, experts say that having permissive parents who allow children to do whatever they want most of the time with few limits or consequences can harm children in the long run.

“It’s important to allow your child to make choices, go their own way, and learn from their mistakes,” said Stephen Glicksman, developmental psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University. “But indulgent parents give their children this great responsibility for their own development without a secure base to start from or to return to when they need support.”

What exactly is an overly tolerant parenting style?

On the surface, tolerant parents have good relationships with their children. Their children are free to do whatever they want, and parents often follow the child’s example. Permissive parents are warm and loving but tend to resent the idea of ​​being responsible for their children, according to the Michigan State University Extension.

While this parenting style is often based on love and understanding, Glicksman says this is not always the case.

“All parents want the best for their children, but I think a lot of times people choose a permissive parenting style because they’re afraid — afraid their kids won’t be happy, or afraid their kids won’t be their ‘friends.’ “, he said.

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The consequences of a very permissive parenting style

Very permissive parents, for example, let their children choose their own bedtime or mealtimes, and demand no manners or respect. This is often well intentioned, but it does not help the children.

“What indulgent parents don’t realize is that parents aren’t necessarily supposed to be ‘friends’ to their children, and that parents who express love by respecting their children’s preferences and opinions, but also by communicating clearly and setting boundaries, are for the long haul often make for happier children,” Glicksman said.

Having parents who are overly forgiving can make it difficult for children to adjust to the expectations and limitations they will encounter in the world, as students, workers, and in relationships.

Children who are not set boundaries often grow into childlike adults

“Research suggests that children of permissive parents report being happier and more positive as children, and are more likely to become dependent, moody and lack social skills as they age,” Glicksman said. “It’s as if by being given so much freedom as children, they learned that their childhood personalities were enough and therefore they ended up becoming childish adults.”

Glicksman says it’s never too late to start setting boundaries and commitments to your children. He recommends moving towards a more authoritative parenting style, which experts say is best for children in general in the long run.

“Don’t panic,” he said. “Even though research suggests that some parenting styles are better than others, children are very difficult to crack.”

Here’s how you can change your indulgent parenting style

If you’re trying to become a less tolerant parent, start saying both “yes” and “no” more often and explaining to your child the reasons for each answer.

“The goal is to say ‘yes’ enough times that your kids learn that when you say ‘no,’ it’s probably for a good reason,” Glicksman said.

Here’s how you could start setting expectations and boundaries for your kids:

Make a list of chores and chores around the house, depending on your child’s age. Let your child earn activities like screen time by doing something positive at home, like washing dishes. Start by saying “no” and sticking to it .

Adjusting can be difficult for kids who never had boundaries, Glicksman says. They will probably resist it at first, but if you’re able to stick with this new parenting style, it will be better for you as a parent and for your child in the long run.

“Parenting is a long game,” Glicksman said. “Dealing with disappointment or belated happiness and learning how to work for what you want are important experiences to offer your children, even if it’s a huge challenge for you and for them right now.”

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This text has been translated from English. You can find the original here.

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